Both are about creating the right climate to help our kids/employees become the best version of themselves. It is not rocket science, but when we’re under pressure or stressed we all tend to forget that in the end it all starts with a few simple but essential elements: attention, attitude and intention.
This week (16th-23rd of May) we have the ‘Week of Parenting’ in my home country Belgium. All kinds of organisations are focusing on the promotion of positive parenting styles, showing parenting in a positive light, and to make the range of parenting support known and accessible. They try to connect parents, co-educators and professionals because parenting is not something you have to do alone…
I am a strong believer in the concept of ‘borrow with pride’, to translate existing expertise and insights into a different context, and that is exactly what I’d like to do with parenting and leadership. In the end both are about creating the right climate to help our kids/employees become the best version of themselves.
It is an understatement to say that at home we had quite some challenges with my bonus-daughter growing up. At a moment that we felt we were not able anymore to be the parents we wanted to be, we decided to look for someone to help us.
Having a coach for parenting might be less common than in business, but during our journey with Dominique, I realised that it is actually not that different. Leadership and parenting are both not rocket-science, but when we are stressed we all tend to forget sometimes that in the end it is all about 3 simple but essential elements: attention, attitude and intention.
ATTENTION
During our coaching we learnt that the biggest risk in parenting is that you allow the situation to escalate or that you give up, whilst what you need to do is to persevere. You should avoid a continuous climate of conflict, but you need to persevere on the topics that are really important for you as a parent; these need to be made explicit, but without emotional or physical "coercion". For example when my bonus-daughter wanted to run away from home, we had to say in a calm but firm manner that we didn't think this was OK (and so we didn't give up), we also had to stand in front of the door to visually endorse that, but we were not allowed to physically stop her (to avoid escalating, and to ensure she kept feeling ‘safe’ with us).
Translated to leadership, this means you have to communicate a clear vision of where you want to go with your team/company, what values you are aiming for, what you expect from everyone; and you have to keep your focus on that. The ATTENTION you give as a leader will determine where people’s energy flows.
This implies you should not avoid the difficult conversations; people deserve the truth about your expectations as a leader and about their performance in meeting them. But within the created framework, you make sure your team members always feel 'safe', also in times of disagreement or when mistakes are being made. This is really fundamental as Google’s Project Aristotle has proven. This initiative studied hundreds of teams within Google to figure out why some stumbled while others soared. They found that they had to make sure their teams had clear objectives and were complementary of course, but Google's data also showed that psychological safety, more than anything else, was critical to making a team work at best (*).
ATTITUDE
A second thing we learnt during our parenting coaching sessions was that we didn’t have to focus on enforcing a certain behavior, but we especially needed to give the good example. Everyone will recognise the challenge to avoid their kids using their smartphone whilst eating or in company. Most of us probably also recognise the fact that as parents we often feel we have a good reason to use our own smartphones at those times. We should not do that.
This is even easier to translate to leadership. It is at least as important what you do as what you say. Practice what you preach. I remember how frustrated I was when my former boss kept flying around the world in first class whilst we went through yet another cost cutting round with our company. At the same time I find it beautiful how a former colleague, every time he hears or sees me, still asks how my wife is doing, knowing that she had serious health problems a few years ago. Your ATTITUDE, how you act, setting a good example, is key in leadership.
That attitude is important in the moments when things are going well, and certainly also in the moments when things are not going so well. Attributing success to your employees who have really made a difference will only make them more eager to keep giving the best of themselves. Taking responsibility when problems arise and visibly standing up for your employees who have been affected will give them the confidence to know they are supported, and will urge them to act alike when their teams are in trouble.
INTENTION
And finally, the third essential take-away of our parenting coaching is a no-brainer. It is to make sure your kids always feel that everything you do, you do it because you love them, also when it gets really tough sometimes. Dominique taught us a few techniques coming from Israeli psychologist Haim Omer and his ‘Non-Violent Resistance’ (which has now evolved into ‘New Authority’). A very efficient one was to organize a ‘sit-in’ when necessary. As parents we would go to my bonus-daughter’s room asking if we could come in, and then we would sit down. We explained we were there because we were uncomfortable with the recurring issue that we as parents never knew where she was and with whom, at hours we actually expected her to be at home. We said we were there with her to listen how she proposed to address this. We sat there for 10 minutes, without any distraction of smartphones or other conversation, in full listening mode and with all our focus and attention on her. The first sit-in didn’t lead to anything, so we told her she might need more time to think about it. We suggested to come back with her the next day, and so we did. She hated that, but she also realised how important this was for us, and that we were doing this out of love for her. And after a few sit-ins she actually came up with a proposal herself that obviously had much more impact than if we had forced our solution on her or just punished her.
Just like with parenting, the INTENTION with which you do things will determine the strength of your leadership. It depends on your purpose, on the authenticity of your attention and of your attitude. For example, if a leader wants to put the theme ‘diversity and inclusion’ high on the agenda, the impact on the team or organisation will be much greater if this is done from an authentic desire to have a positive impact on society than if it just happens to be a hot topic in the press and among investors. Only with the right intention you can truly connect.
Another technique from 'Non-Violent Resistance', which is also very useful in a business context, is to 'strike while the iron is cold'. In the midst of a heated discussion, there is a great risk that people will stop listening to each other and focus more on being right than on looking for the best solution. It is much more efficient to let the problem rest for a while and come back to it when everyone has calmed down a bit. That way, you manage to connect authentically with each other, to make your point much better, and at the same time really listen to what the other person is thinking.
When we started our parenting coaching and we were really desperate, Dominique said “when she will be in her early 20’s, you will see that all the things you do or say will have had an impact, it will have landed with her, and she will thank you that you never gave up, she will realise that everything you did was because you love her”. She was right… My bonus-daughter is now a young woman in a stable and healthy relationship and with a good job. She is still a bit of a rebel, but a few months ago she told her mother that she knows she has made our life very difficult at times, she said that she was grateful for how we handled it, and that she even feels she is starting to look more and more like her mother. With some help of Dominique, we have been able to show her the right attention, the right attitude and the right intention; we managed to communicate, to act and to connect. And as challenging as this whole periode might have been, we are very proud of how we managed to do this together with her! My bonus-daughter agreed to publish this text, since she hopes that these few simple insights might inspire other parents to persevere when their children are having a hard time.
As parents it took us a while before we dared to admit we needed help. Everything we learnt, we knew deep inside, but we needed a sounding board and some tips and tricks of someone who helped us focus on the essence, on what really makes a difference. And that also applies to leadership.
If you as a leader think you would benefit from a sounding board with someone who loves to borrow with pride what he has seen, heard or learnt elsewhere, who might have some tips and tricks, and who helps you focus on what is essential, then let’s explore what I could mean for you and your business.
Special shout out to Dominique Janssens from Compaan-O (https://www.compaan-o.be/) who has been a tremendous support during our parenting challenges.
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